HOW THEY HAVE SEX

ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.

ACTORS do it on cue.

ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.

AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.

ANSI does it in the standard way

ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.

ARCHITECTS have great plans.

ARTISTS are exhibitionists.

ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.

ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.

ATTORNEYS make better motions.

AUDITORS like to examine figures.

BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.

BAILIFFS always come to order.

BAKERS knead it daily.

BAND MEMBERS play all night.

BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.

BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.

BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.

BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.

BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.

BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.

BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.

BEER DRINKERS get more head.

BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.

BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.

BOSSES delegate the task to others.

BOWLERS have bigger balls.

BRICKLAYERS lay all day.

BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.

BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.

BUTCHERS have better meat.

C'Bers do it on the air.

CAMPERS do it in a tent.

CARPENTERS hammer it harder.

CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.

CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.

CHEMISTS like to experiment.

CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.

CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.

CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.

CLOWNS do it for laughs.

COACHES whistle while they work.

COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.

COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.

COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.

COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.

CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.

CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.

COPS have bigger guns.

COWBOYS handle anything horny.

COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.

CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.

CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.

DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.

DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.

DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.

DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.

DENTISTS do it in your mouth.

DETECTIVES do it under cover.

DIETICIANS eat better.

DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.

DIVERS do it deeper.

DOCTORS do it with patience.

DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.

DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.

DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.

ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.

ENGINEERS charge by the hour.

EXECUTIVES have large staffs.

FARMERS spread it around.

FIREMEN are always in heat.

FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.

FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.

FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.

FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.

GARBAGE MEN come once a week.

GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.

GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.

GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.

GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.

GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.

HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.

HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.

HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.

HANDYMEN like good screws.

HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.

HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.

HUNTERS do it with a bang.

INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.

INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.

INVENTORS find a way.

JANITORS clean up afterwards.

JEWELERS mount real gems.

JOGGERS do it on the run.

LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.

LAWYERS do it in their briefs.

LIBRARIANS do it quietly.

LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.

LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.

MACHINISTS make the best screws.

MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.

MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.

MANAGERS supervise others.

MARKETING REPs do it on commission.

MILKMEN deliver twice a week.

MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.

MINERS sink deeper shafts.

MINISTERS do it on Sundays.

MISSILE MEN have better thrust.

MODELS do it in any position.

MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.

MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.

MOVIE STARS do it on film.

MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.

NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.

NURSES call the shots.

OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.

OPERATORS do it person-to-person.

OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.

PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.

PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.

PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.

PILOTS keep it up longer.

PLUMBERS do it under the sink.

POLICEMEN like big busts.

POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.

POSTMEN come slower.

PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.

PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.

PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.

PROFESSORS do it by the book.

RACERS like to come in first.

RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..

RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.

REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.

RECYCLERS use it again.

REPAIRMEN can fix anything.

REPORTERS do it daily.

RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.

RETAILERS move their merchandise.

ROOFERS do it on top.

RUNNERS get into more pants.

SAILORS like to be blown.

SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.

SCIENTISTS discovered it.

SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.

SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.

SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.

SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.

SPELUNKERS do it underground.

SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.

STEWARDESSES do it in the air.

STUDENTS use their heads.

SURGEONS are smooth operators.

TAILORS make it fit.

TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.

TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.

TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.

TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.

TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.

TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.

TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.

TYPISTS do it in triplicate.

VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.

VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.

WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.

WATER SKIERS come down harder.

WELDERS have hotter rods.

WRESTLERS know the best holds.

WRITERS have novel ways.

ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.

Murphy's Law in Sex

1.The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2.Nothing improves with age.

3.No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.

4.Sex has no calories.

5.Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6.There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7.Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.

8.No sex with anyone in the same office.

9.Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10.A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11.If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12.Virginity can be cured.

13.When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14.Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15.The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.

---

These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe"...

Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

Before unsafe sex, think to yourself what the kids will look like.

Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

You CAN get it from kissing... tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out before hand to hope for the best.

Before the use of condoms, unroll completely and check for any holes.

YOU know you need a Different Lawyer when ......

* You met him in prison.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
* He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
* He tells you that he's never told a lie.
* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
* A prison guard is shaving your head. 

:):):)
 
What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers?

They grow taller!

 :):):)

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

:) :) :)

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."


:):):)

101 Ways To Annoy People 1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.